This mama is tired.
Like the tired where you soul is tired. You know what I mean?
This isn’t even a “COVID” tired. Although I’m sure it is a part of it. We know the current situation of the world weighs heavy on us all. And I’m no different. But I do try to put blinders on so it doesn’t get to heavy.
But this tired is from this mama doing to much. It’s that tired. The overwhelmed, overstretched, overstimulated tired. The type that sleep doesn’t help. Even when you do get to sleep, it doesn’t matter, because its your soul. And lets be honest. Sleep doesn’t come easy when your brain can’t, just will not, be quiet. When you rethink aspects of the day, mentally making to-do lists and checking off items all while wondering how much you messed up the kids for the day.
This tired is from re-inventing myself once again in the name of Art. This is an ongoing thing for me, for years I’ve attempted to master new mediums and I love it. I truly do. Being artistic has saved my life many times, if I’m being honest. It also got me through High School. Yet this time around I have such big dreams, and sometimes the dreaming can be exhausting. Why is that? Maybe its the self-doubt, the anxiety, the realism, the human aspect? Whatever it is I know its just a moment. And I know I will push through, because I do have a dream.
The dream is hard to see when you are trying to find the right way to find your peeps. Facebook, an e-commerce site, Etsy Instagram, Craft shows, the dreaded TIk Tok and your mother ;) There’s so many avenues. And which is right for this road trip of a dream? Which hashtags are the best to be seen, is your graphic eye-popping enough? Did you spell-check, the answer is usually no on that one! Sorry but not sorry cuz I is tired. The Social Media tired is a real thing. It’s draining. Yet essential to reach new people in this world today. So we open yet another app in hopes of reaching my dream.
This tired is from having a 1 year old, a 7 year old and a 9 year old... And gosh do I ever love them, with every being of my entire existence. But ya know what? I’m allowed to say they test me, they make me question my whole parenting, because gosh darn do I ever question their child-Ing ;) They are 3 of the best humans I’ve ever met. They are smart, funny and incredibly kind. Yet they test me. They push their limits. And they should. That is how they learn. We have to test limits to see where the line is. But mamas line testing is spent. The line gets blurred. Life gets blurry. And right now its blurry.
My one year old is with her mama all day. And I truthfully wouldn’t have it any other way. But if you have your young toddler with you 24/7 I’m sure you feel me on this. When she’s upset, she wants mama. When she’s tired, she wants mama. When she wants to play, she wants mama. When shes hangry, she wants mama. When she needs milkies, she wants mama. We are almost 15 months on our breastfeeding journey with no near end in sight, and that makes me feel so accomplished. But tired. Because when shes ready to nurse, shes ready. And I sometimes am right in the middle of something. But when you are the comfort, you stop what you’re doing and you comfort the baby. I’m like a one trick pony, when in doubt offer the milkies. Yet she is a babe who plays independently so well. She’s funny and charming, and a darn good baby. I wuv her so much. I call her “our sprinkles to our cupcake” because our family was perfect already just like a yummy cupcake, but then you see the sparkly, colorful sprinkles and you cant help but love that cupcake even more! Right now my little sprinkles is draining the mama cupcake.
We also homeschool. We started last year, midst the pandemic. I’ve always wanted to homeschool, but never have been in a place where I could actually entertain the thought. Yet the timing was right this time, due to me being a stay at home mama who runs in-home daycare. So we started last year like many families and we learned through many moments of anger, tears and pure joy, that we love it. And we will continue homeschooling. I would miss my children deeply if they went back to Public School. I enjoy learning right along with them. I love seeing their education journey. I adore them being home with me. But that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to say, dang I’m tired.
Am I teaching them enough? Are they falling behind? Multiplication. Grammar. Phonics. Science. Did we do SCIENCE?! Are they reading enough?! We get them out for activities and sporting events, Wednesday night church and play dates. But is it enough? Are they getting enough socialization?? Are they self-managing the emotions that it is to homeschool. Are they enjoying themselves? ARE THEY LEARNING?!
Yet I know the answer. I do know which full certainty that they are learning. They are having fun. They are getting socialization. I know this because I’m the one carting them around to the events and activities. Soon almost every weeknight we will have something for them to do. And that makes me tired. And question when will supper be squeezed in, cause we ain’t having happy meals like they would like every single night.
Did I put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher? Did I start it? Are the floors swept? Didn’t I just sweep? The never ending cleaning that is living within walls and under a roof. And how did my mom manage it all while working full time? She did, and I can too. But dang does it ever feel heavy. When you are to tired to pick up a rag or clean that toilet, because boys, am I right?! And don’t forget you’re family expects meals three times a day and to many snacks to count. Thank goodness the boys can get their own snacks now! But have I eaten today? Or is am I surviving on coffee again today?
Daycare life is truly my best life. I love being with kids everyday. Many have heard me say how I prefer to be with kids over adults. Kids you can tell to take a break if their emotions are to big. Adults don’t tend to like that ;) Kids are refreshing and kind. They are hilarious and smarter than they should be. But that doesn’t mean I reach my limit. At the end of the daycare day I often feel touched out and just tired. My family is pretty great about respecting that boundary that I’ve set up for myself. If mom is in the bedroom with the door closed, her weighted blanket on and snuggling her Baby Yoda (yes I know his real name but I will forever call him Baby Yoda, so back off Star War freaks!) then that means that she needs quiet time. I need to recharge my battery.
That is something I’m not always so good at, recharging my battery. At my very core I am an introvert who forces herself to be an extrovert when needed. And that’s not fake or untrue to who I am. I love being around a lot of people. I love to laugh and laugh until I cry. I love to be silly. To dance. To sing silly made up songs about stupid life moments. I love to play board games and go to concerts. I love my all my extend family fiercely and love our gatherings. Yet I get snippy when I’m overwhelmed. When I’m tapped out. When this introvert needs quiet because the noise is just to much sometimes. And after I’m recharged I’m good. But sometimes, I’m not good at realizing my battery is dead.
And I’m also an empath. I often care more about others emotions and their reactions than my own. I would often rather stay silent in fear I may offend or upset someone. Hence my entire first marriage. I forgot how to stand up for myself. Yet other times I have no filter and regret saying something, because anxiety, even if I was not wrong. Then I gotta relive that moment for the next 7 years, so thats fun. It’s draining always trying to gage peoples reactions, are they mad? Did I upset them? Oh, man they are super sad, now I am too. Your anxious? Well I am now out of love for you. I feel you, I feel you to much. Way to much one would say. Yet I don’t think I would change this about myself. Tame it maybe, but change it no. I think our world could use a little more empathy right now.
If you have reached the end of this blog post, I thank you. And maybe you can relate to this and I’d love to hear how you cope with a full, beautiful and sometimes heavy feeling life. And it is a beautiful life. One that I’ve waited for and yearned for. I have an adoring husband who loves me fiercely, even when I probably have been a brat. Let’s be honest, I’ve probably have been a brat. But he knows who he married. He cleans, he cooks, he helps with the baby, he doesn’t even blink an eye when I say “I’m going out with the girls” or when I want to go to Walmart by myself or my biggest treat of all, going to the movies by myself. I love my weirdo, even when he drives me insane. Which is often. But again I’m sure I was being a brat first.